


Please Love Me Too

by Niffala



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecurity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:13:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27150937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niffala/pseuds/Niffala
Summary: Steve and Bucky have always belonged to each other.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 6





	Please Love Me Too

**Author's Note:**

> My writing is garbage, but I try. I am sorry for any mistakes. Oh, and Bucky did not leave after pulling Steve from the Potomac.

(1942 - 1943)

Steve's POV: 

Bucky set us up on another double date. He looks so handsome in his well fitted dark suit. “You’re gonna love these girls, Steve. A couple of lookers and Joan is as sweet as sugar.” He turned to me and flashed that gorgeous smile. 

“If you say so,” I said, trying not to sound as dispirited as I felt. I am going to be laughed at again, I just know it. I wish it was just the two of us going. 

Bucky smoothed his perfectly groomed hair back with pomade. I look even more sickly with the slicked back look. I can only comb my hair to the side and hope for the best. I cinched my belt as tight as it would go, adjusted my suspenders and frowned. It was the nicest outfit I owned, but I still looked like a child wearing his father's clothes. I picked up my jacket and put it on, it did not match the trousers, but it was clean.

This date would end badly for me, just like they always did. No woman had ever shown an ounce of interest. In fact most ignored me and were visibly irritated when I’d make myself known. I couldn’t blame them, not fully. They’d see Bucky and expect a tall, strong, handsome fella like him. It wasn't fair to spring my weak, stunted self on these unsuspecting women and expect a spark. 

To be honest, I never cared for any of them either. But constant rejection still stung like a thousand bees. I’d watch them hang onto Bucky, while I was forgotten in the corner. My nose and eyes burning and red. I’d blame allergies, but it was watching them with him that was the cause. It wasn't fair they could touch and dance and kiss my Bucky. My heart yearned to be the one in his arms. To be the one Bucky held close and spoke sweet nothings to. To be allowed to feel those soft pillowy lips against my own.

I know how wrong it is to feel such things. It was immoral, depraved, a sin. I tried for years to push these feelings away, but just the thought of Bucky makes my heart swell. He makes me feel important, makes me strong. He makes me feel... well… As if there's not enough wrong with me, I had to be a deviant. 

I wish I could shout my love from the rooftops, but I know what would happen if I dared to whisper one syllable. At best, I’d be chased down and beaten to death. And for the 1st time Bucky wouldn’t save me. At worst, I would lose my best friend. No one could know, especially not Bucky. I wouldn't survive if I lost him. And if I could, I wouldn’t want to. My life isn't worth living if he is not in it. 

I know Bucky would never see me the way I wanted him to. He’s always surrounded by women. He wouldn’t want a disgusting pervert like me. At times I’ve considered heading to Greenwich Village, seeking out one of those clubs I’ve heard about. Maybe acting on my dark urges would help eliminate them. But I can’t. I fear male rejection as well. And to be honest, I don’t want to touch anyone, except Bucky. I don’t want to kiss anyone, unless it’s Bucky. But that couldn't happen. So I have to settle for only having him in my dreams. Where we’re safe. 

\--------------

Steve's POV:

My chest was starting to feel tight, I was wheezing a bit. I shouldn’t have had that second beer, but I hate these dance halls. Everyone else is living it up, while I sit alone at a table surrounded by cigarette smoke. I watch Bucky twirling his date, whose name I can’t remember, on the dance floor. Mine was dancing with some guy she apparently met ‘on her way to the bathroom.’ Bucky suddenly pulled his date closer and… Oh god. It suddenly became very difficult to breathe. I can feel my eyes begin to water as I watch them kiss. It’s too much. It’s too much. My chest feels like it's being crushed. I can feel myself start to hyperventilate... I can’t breathe. “Bu… Bucky...”

Bucky breaks the kiss and smiles down at his date. They continue dancing, as he glances over to the table to check on me. He sees me holding my chest, breathing too fast. He drops his date and runs over. “Hey punk, you feeling alright?”

I look at him in panic “I can't..“ I couldn’t finish, my nostrils flaring with every forced breath. I start coughing so hard I’m surprised there isn't blood.

“Ok stay calm, you’ll be ok.” Bucky helps me to stand and sit on my chair, facing the back of it. “Ok Steve, sit up buddy, nice and straight, you know what to do.” He loosens my tie and unbuttons the top of my shirt. He encourages me to take slow, steady breaths. In your nose, out your mouth. He crouches in front of me, demonstrating the breathing he needs me to do.

Bucky’s date comes over to the table suggesting we go outside. People were staring. Bucky answers without looking at her, “It's an asthma attack, the cold air will make it worse. Please, go get him some coffee, it will help.” She runs to do as he asks. Bucky begins to gently rub my back, “Come on Steve, copy me, long and deep.” 

I'm trying to calm down, but all I can concentrate on is Bucky's beautiful face. I see his lips moving, but I can't hear the words. These people don’t exist, this hall doesn't exist. There’s only Bucky. The feel of his hand on me, his eyes locked on mine. I allow myself to be consumed by him. Allow myself to just bask in him. He’s taking care of me. He is always there for me. In this moment, he is mine. I know he loves me, at least on some level. It’s the only way I can have him. It will have to be enough. I feel a hot cup pressed into my hand and I slowly sip it. After a few minutes, my breaths start to even out. 

“That’s good Pal. That’s good. See, you’re ok.” Bucky helps me stand, keeping his arm around me for support. “I’m taking him home.”

This angered Bucky’s date. “What a shame. Maybe leave the little freak home next time.” 

I can hear them giggling behind me. My face burns with shame.

Bucky turns his head, staring her dead in the eyes, “Trust me, there won't be a next time.”

\--------------

Bucky’s POV: 

Steve started acting like a punk the moment we got outside. Insisting I needed to leave him be, that he could get home on his own and I should go back inside and enjoy my night. That wasn’t going to happen. Not when he needed me. Even if he was too much of a stubborn ass to admit it. 

He fought with me the entire way home. He fought with me all the way upstairs. He even slapped my hand away when I tried to help him when he misstepped. His pride was hurt, I got that, but he didn't have to be so bullheaded. Not with me. Why couldn’t he see he meant the world to me. He wasn’t losing anything by letting me help him. And I wasn't sacrificing anything by choosing him. I would always choose him. 

The moment we were inside, I put my foot down, “Steve, get your ass ready for bed and take your medications. No arguments.” 

Steve stomped to the bathroom, mumbling obscenities, and slammed the door. “Don’t forget to wash behind your ears,” I snickered. I couldn’t resist. I hear him getting heated, imagining his furious beet red face. Sometimes he makes it too easy. 

I made myself a drink while waiting. Betty kept me so busy, I didn’t have time to finish mine at the dance hall. It was a shame about her. Pretty on the outside, but heartless. If a dame can’t accept Steve, they could fuck off. We’re a packaged deal. I won’t leave him behind… I wish Steve could find someone. He deserves to have a girl of his own. Someone to love him the way he deserves.

I hear the bathroom door open and Steve marches straight to bed. He didn’t spare me a glance, but I know he wasn’t really mad at me. I finished my drink, got ready for bed, and stood in the doorway watching Steve. He was curled up on our bed facing the wall, stiff as a board. If I didn’t know better, I would say he looked fragile. But Steve is made of steel on the inside. Unbreakable. “You really going to ignore me, punk?” No answer. “Fine, have it your way.” I crawled in behind him and cuddled close to keep him warm. Just when I felt his body start to relax, I put my cold feet on him.

Steve jumped and contorted his body screaming, “Jesus fucking Christ buck. What the hell you tryin’ do to me?” 

I started laughing so hard my cheeks hurt. “Still mad at me?”

“No, I guess not. Nothing to be sore about anyway,” Steve replied quietly. 

I grabbed my socks and put them on. It was too cold to go without. I cuddled back behind Steve, “Goodnight punk.” 

“Goodnight jerk.”

I couldn’t help the smile that spread on my face. That’s my Stevie. Just as I started to drift off, I felt Steve roll over.

“Hey Buck,” Steve starts, voice uncertain. “I think you should quit trying to set me up. It’s always a disaster. I'm holding you back and making these dames miserable. It’s not like any of them will ever have me. I mean look at me. I got nothing to offer but problems. Going on date after date, expecting a woman to fall in love with me…” He sighed, “It’s just never going to happen. Not for me. But you Bucky, without me there, you have a proper chance. You can find a wife, get out of this shithole.”

I couldn’t stand hearing him talk about himself like that. “You’re talking nonsense, punk. Keep it up and I’m going to give you a knuckle sandwich. Now go to sleep.” I pulled him closer and held him. He closed his eyes and soon his breathing became steady. He was asleep. I leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on his head. Then in a moment of bravery, or stupidity, I kissed the corner of Steve's mouth. “I love you, Steve.”

\-------------

Bucky’s POV: (slight time jump)

Two hours. I was shipping out for England in two goddamn hours. I couldn’t sleep a wink. There was too much on my mind, too much I was trying to memorize. The kitchen where we burn our meals. The piece of shit sofa we sit on and talk. The lumpy bed we sleep on. The color of his eyes. The curve of his bottom lip. 

I stood by the window, staring into the dark. My time was running out. I tried to give us a great last night. Found us dates, went to the Expo. Hell, we saw a car fly. But Steve had to go and sneak off to enlist again, stubborn jerk. I agreed to take both girls dancing, with the promise he would catch up to us, but he never did. I assumed he went home to sulk about another 4F. I had a great time with Connie. She was very giving to a soldier who may never see home again. 

I arrived at our apartment expecting Steve to be in bed. He wasn't. I stayed up waiting for him, starting to worry more with each passing minute. Had he been arrested? Was he lying in an alley somewhere because he went off all hot headed again? He could never just walk away. I both hated and loved that about him. I worry about leaving him to fend for himself… What am i saying, Steve will be fine without me. The women will be banging down his door. He’ll find the one he’s looking for… Why did that thought feel like a spear to the chest?

Steve finally showed up after midnight, acting shifty. When I questioned his whereabouts he just said he went for a walk. Normally I’d hound him until he told me the truth, but tonight, or rather, this morning, was not the time. We both retired to our bedroom with words left unsaid and questions unanswered. 

As I stood there looking at the outline of the buildings, I imagined Steve drawing them. Anytime I had any extra cash, I would buy him a sketchbook and charcoal. I would miss watching his hand scratch around the paper creating something beautiful... Steve was beautiful. I wish I could tell him that. I wish I could show him exactly how I feel about him. How all the women I’ve dated never meant a damn thing, because he was already my everything. He is all I need and I will come back to him. I have to.

I feel two small arms wrap around me and a head push into my back. Steve. He was hugging me so tight, his body shaking. I put my arms over his and let him hold me. I needed this moment as much as he did. No one could see us, this was our time, our secret. I turned around and held him properly, cradling his head to my chest. He felt so right in my arms. Steve reached up and kissed my cheek, lingering there for what felt like blissful hours. As he pulled away, I could still feel the ghost of his lips and the trail of warm tears. God, I want it to be so much more. I want to smash my lips on his and never part. Tell him how he was my one, my love, my Steve... I wish he saw me the way I see him. We stood there wrapped in each other until the sun began to peek over the horizon. It was time to go.


End file.
